handjob tips. give me some.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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