im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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