I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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