Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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