I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
