So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
