I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
There r osticjed everywhere
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize