Swine flu. Run for my life!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
