Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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