i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
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