I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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