I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
