i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Text me some of your sweat
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
