So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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