is your mom at the bar?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
