thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
