i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
