No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
