Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
