I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm really busy with my period
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