When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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