I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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