god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My vagina just clenched in fear
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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