Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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