Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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