Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
