I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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