so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
