I wish my penis had an off switch
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
