I wish I could teleport
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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