come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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