get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
