Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize