Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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