I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
