when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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