Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
