thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
