I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
