Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Im part way to drunk.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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