Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
