why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
