well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
