Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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