she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
