I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
