would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
