Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
