3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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