Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
