your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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