My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
