she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
