How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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