He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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