He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
